We live in other people’s heads.
This is something I’ve never quite been able to understand. That every person you ever meet will have a different opinion of you. Their general description of you might be similar “she is kind” or “she is funny”, “she laughs a lot”, but their opinions of you will all be different. Some may think your humour is borderline arrogance. Some may think your kindness is fake. Some may think your laugh is annoying.
Because of this fact, that we “live in other people’s heads”, we can naturally fall into the habit of beating ourselves up, trying to fit the mould and cater to each person’s needs.
We spend time after meetings running through everything we said (or didn’t say), worried that coworkers will think we aren’t smart or talented enough.
We question our boundaries “will they think I’m selfish if I say “no” because what they’re asking for is crossing my boundary line?”
Sharing our problems or dilemmas might make us question “will this, or how I deal with this, build a long-term character of me in their head? Will it develop an opinion of the person I have a short-term problem with?”
All this does is make us judge ourselves more harshly. It makes us uncomfortable in our own bodies. It makes us feel apologetic for being ourselves. It makes us live according to our perception of other people’s standards.
It makes us feel inauthentic. Anxious. Judgmental. Not good enough. Not likable enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough.
But now is the time I quite simply say: f*ck that shit. Because the truth is, other people’s opinions of us are none of our business. Their opinions have nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, their past, their judgments, their expectations, their likes, and their dislikes.
Over the last few months, I’ve slowly been learning to put aside the worry of people’s opinions. Some people will never like you. Some people will never understand your decisions. Some people will never appreciate your boundaries. But that’s okay, because they are not you. They are not in your head. They are not living your life.
People around you will naturally dislike things about you. Life isn’t a sugarcoated ball of love, we shouldn’t all sit around the fire and be nice to each other every day and tell each other how great we all are and not say how we really feel in case it offends or upsets each other, it’s just not realistic.
Every person you ever meet will have at least one trait you don’t like. And that’s OK. Because we aren’t supposed to be perfect. We aren’t supposed to mould ourselves to be a person our friends want us to be – or someone who our family aspired us to be. Nor do we want to make them feel like they need to change to suit our idealisms.
I would be worried if I had the ‘perfect’ person in my life – or if I was considered ‘perfect’ to someone else – as this more than likely means they or you are diluting personality traits because of a desire to be a perfect friend, perfect partner, perfect child or perfect employee.
As I learn to take a healthier approach to people’s opinions of me, I’m learning to become more comfortable with who I am and what I stand for. I’m learning to be happier and more comfortable with myself.
Here are five things I remind myself of, when I feel myself falling into the dreaded thought of “what do they think of me?”
1. You Have Full Ownership Over Your Feelings.
If someone ignores you, doesn’t invite you or says something to offend you, you naturally feel bad. I, like most of us, have hurt someone before unintentionally, which has made them think negatively of me.
You may think “she made me feel this way by ignoring me” or “I can’t believe she just said that”. But the truth is, she has no control over how you feel.
She ignored you for her own reasons, and you assigned meaning to that action, you’re the one who decided it was about you.
She said something she wanted to say, and you didn’t like it, so you decided that was offensive or wrong. You felt sad or mad because of the meaning you applied. You then had an emotional reaction to your own thought.
When we give ownership of our feelings over to others, we give up control over our emotions. To change how other people’s actions make you feel, you only need to change a thought.
This step sometimes takes a bit of work because our thoughts are usually automatic or even on the unconscious level, so it may take some digging to figure out what thought is causing your emotion. But once you do, challenge it, question it, or accept it. Your emotions will follow.
2. Think, Really Think, About the Absolute Worst Case Scenario.
What intimidates you? What’s holding you back from doing the things you want to do?
For example, I’ve had numerous women tell me they’re intimidated to lift weights at the gym because it’s full of loud, grunting men.
Ask yourself this question: What is the absolute worst thing that will happen if you do [insert whatever it is you want to do]?
Sticking with the weight lifting room example, you may get an odd look or two. You may have to stand beside some smelly men. If your gym is filled with women who like to gossip, someone may say something about you.
And is that worst case scenario really that bad? No . . . no it’s not.
3. Stay in Your Own Business.
Another way to stop caring about what other people think is to understand that there are three types of ‘business’ in the world.
The first is natures business – the weather is nature’s business. Who dies and who is born is nature’s business. The body and genes you were given are nature’s business. You have no place in nature’s business. You can’t control it.
The second is other people’s business – what they do is their business. What your neighbour thinks of you is their business. What time your coworker comes into work is their business. If the driver in the other car doesn’t go when the light turns green, it’s their business.
The third type of business is your business.
If you get angry with the other driver because you now have to wait at another red light, that’s your business.
If you get irritated because your coworker is late again, that’s your business.
If you are worried about what your neighbour thinks of you, that’s your business.
What they think is their business. What you think (and in turn, feel) is your business.
Whose business are you in when you’re worried about what you’re wearing? Whose business are you in when you dwell on how your joke was received at the party?
You only have one business to concern yourself with—yours. What you think and what you do are the only things you can control in life. That’s it.
4. Avoid Second Guessing Every Step You Take.
Try not to assume that everyone is judging every little thing you do. Before getting lost in a cycle of self-doubt, remind yourself that anyone worth your time has more to worry about than criticising your every thought and action. Also, remind yourself that mistakes serve a purpose and are a necessary part of growth.
Do your best to notice when you start to overthink or second guess yourself. Tell yourself, “Stop over-analysing. Calm down and don’t worry.”
Self-reflection and learning from your mistakes are good things, provided you focus on positive growth instead of negative overthinking.
5. Life is Too Short.
The bottom line is, we truly have this one life and life is short. Do you really want to spend even a few precious moments of that time worrying what other people think? To live a life where others tell you what you want? Or should you decide for yourself who you are and what you want and how you plan to go out and get it?
You must make a conscious effort to let go what other people think. It’s a skill that needs to be practiced, like meditating. But once you truly understand how to let go, you will see the world as entirely different.
People will love you, people will hate you, and none of it will have anything to do with you. Make your choices and live by those decisions, taking full responsibility for what you do and how you do it. When you do, you’ll gain the self-esteem you need and the power to give yourself what you want, without blaming anyone for your mistakes.
Be kind to your mind 